OldSkyking
New Member
Now, thats funny!
Jokes Free for all Hijack at will
- Thread starter R_W_B
- Start date
R_W_B
Senior Member
That was funny Lorne, I heard that told slightly different from the late Cajun Cooking show guy, Justin Wilson. He made it unique with his How Ya'll are accent. Used to love watching that guy, He's been gone now for quite a few yrs.
But talking about gators, here is another true story.
This is a reprint of an old news report from Inverness, Florida ( a hour plus north of me ) Not so much funny, but could be depending on how you view it. It is definitely entertaining for a true story.
---begin report
A 71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape.
"I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye. Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general behavior.
He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped.
---end report
RWB editoral
This is in fact the best defense against a gator attack (if you are unarmed). But you have to be prepared with a good stiff thumb, because when a gator rolls in the water a thick tough translucent membrane rolls down over his eyes. It takes some diligence to push up under it. The gator was designed this way to protect his eyes during the death roll where he breaks the limbs of his prey after the initial attack.
---
But talking about gators, here is another true story.
This is a reprint of an old news report from Inverness, Florida ( a hour plus north of me ) Not so much funny, but could be depending on how you view it. It is definitely entertaining for a true story.
---begin report
A 71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape.
"I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye. Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general behavior.
He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped.
---end report
RWB editoral
This is in fact the best defense against a gator attack (if you are unarmed). But you have to be prepared with a good stiff thumb, because when a gator rolls in the water a thick tough translucent membrane rolls down over his eyes. It takes some diligence to push up under it. The gator was designed this way to protect his eyes during the death roll where he breaks the limbs of his prey after the initial attack.
---
Davidw2415
Senior Member
A Cardinal fan, a Cubs fan and a Red Sox fan are climbing a mountain, arguing about who loves his team more. The Red Sox fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for Boston" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Cardinal fan is next to profess his love for his team, he yells " This is for St. Louis!!" and pushes the Cub fan off the mountain.
lorne
Senior Member
it was a newfie joke (i am Canadian eh), cant type the accent though
don't like picking on them, got some great friends from the East Coast. :bigsmiley23:
R_W_B
Senior Member
Here is one I just remembered, it's kinda long, took me awhile to type it. At my age though it's probably better to type it out since I would probably forget something and mess it up trying to tell it in person. Here it is.
This rich guy is depressed and decides to go to an old bar he used to visit before he won the lottery.
He walks in, sits down and orders some whiskey and figures he will drink his depression away.
Well he hasn't been there long and this guy walks up to him and says, Howdy can I sit down here next to you ?
The rich guy didn't really want to talk to anyone but he says, it's a free country sit anywhere you want.
So the guy sits down and says, Howdy my name is Bubba and now that I've met you I know everybody.
The rich guy looks at him and says, That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard in my life. There is no way you could know everybody.
Bubba says, well truth is now that I met you, I do.
Well this starts to irritate the rich guy so he says, do you know Burt Reynolds?
Bubba says oh yea I played football with Burt down in Florida when we were both in college.
The rich guy getting totally ticked off now, says if I take you over to Burt's house right now can you prove that. Bubba says yes I would love to see Burt haven't seen him in a few years.
So they get into the rich guys car and drive over to Burt Reynolds home. The gate guard asks what their business is and Bubba says, just tell Burt ole Bubba is here.
So a few seconds later Burt himself comes out and him and Bubba are shaking hands and laughing and talking and the rich is getting even more upset by the minute. Here he just wanted to drink his depression away and he runs into some impossible character like this. He just can't believe it.
So finally after Bubba and Burt are finished and they leave, the rich guy says next thing you know you will be telling me you know President Bush. Bubba says heck I knew Bush when he was just a drinking teenager getting into all sorts of stuff. The rich guys OK, this has gone far enough, tomorrow I'm gonna fly us both to Washington in my private Jet and you are gonna face up to your lies.
So the next day they meet and fly up to DC. There was a bit of trouble getting into the White House gate but once Bubba told them who he was, they let them in and as soon as the President was finished with his current meeting he came right out and shook hands with Bubba and they were laughing about old times. The president even shook hands with the rich guy when made him forget how upset he was with all of this crazy stuff.
So finally after a brief lunch with the President, they left and the rich guys says, you know I was impressed that you knew both Burt Reynolds and the President. Yep says Bubba now that I met you I know everybody. The rich guy says you know I'm getting kinda sick of you saying that ridiculous statement. Bubba says but it's true.
The rich guy says, so I guess you even know the Pope. Bubba says oh yea I knew the Pope when he was still a Cardinal. The rich guys says, OK I'm gonna call you again on this one. We are flying to the Vatican and you are gonna be made the lie yet. Bubba says great I would love to see the Pope haven't seen him in years.
So they arrive at the Vatican the next day. However when they get there, a huge crowd is in the square and Bubba says oh no, the Pope is going to give a speech today there is no way we can get a private meeting with him. The rich guy says, you ain't gonna weasel out of this one. If you know the Pope then you go up there and get yourself past the gate guard and come out on the podium with your arm around the Pope. Bubba thought for a minute and says, yea that's a good idea I can do that.
So Bubba takes off for the back gate. After about 20 mins, the rich guy looks up to the podium and sure enough out comes Bubba with his arm around what looks like the Pope. But then the rich guy thinks that could be just a high ranking Cardinal that Bubba paid off for the charade.
So the rich guy looks around and picks out a random Italian in the crowd and asks him is that the Pope there now on the podium ?
The Italian guy looks at the rich guy and says, Yea he's the one Bubba has his arm around.
This rich guy is depressed and decides to go to an old bar he used to visit before he won the lottery.
He walks in, sits down and orders some whiskey and figures he will drink his depression away.
Well he hasn't been there long and this guy walks up to him and says, Howdy can I sit down here next to you ?
The rich guy didn't really want to talk to anyone but he says, it's a free country sit anywhere you want.
So the guy sits down and says, Howdy my name is Bubba and now that I've met you I know everybody.
The rich guy looks at him and says, That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard in my life. There is no way you could know everybody.
Bubba says, well truth is now that I met you, I do.
Well this starts to irritate the rich guy so he says, do you know Burt Reynolds?
Bubba says oh yea I played football with Burt down in Florida when we were both in college.
The rich guy getting totally ticked off now, says if I take you over to Burt's house right now can you prove that. Bubba says yes I would love to see Burt haven't seen him in a few years.
So they get into the rich guys car and drive over to Burt Reynolds home. The gate guard asks what their business is and Bubba says, just tell Burt ole Bubba is here.
So a few seconds later Burt himself comes out and him and Bubba are shaking hands and laughing and talking and the rich is getting even more upset by the minute. Here he just wanted to drink his depression away and he runs into some impossible character like this. He just can't believe it.
So finally after Bubba and Burt are finished and they leave, the rich guy says next thing you know you will be telling me you know President Bush. Bubba says heck I knew Bush when he was just a drinking teenager getting into all sorts of stuff. The rich guys OK, this has gone far enough, tomorrow I'm gonna fly us both to Washington in my private Jet and you are gonna face up to your lies.
So the next day they meet and fly up to DC. There was a bit of trouble getting into the White House gate but once Bubba told them who he was, they let them in and as soon as the President was finished with his current meeting he came right out and shook hands with Bubba and they were laughing about old times. The president even shook hands with the rich guy when made him forget how upset he was with all of this crazy stuff.
So finally after a brief lunch with the President, they left and the rich guys says, you know I was impressed that you knew both Burt Reynolds and the President. Yep says Bubba now that I met you I know everybody. The rich guy says you know I'm getting kinda sick of you saying that ridiculous statement. Bubba says but it's true.
The rich guy says, so I guess you even know the Pope. Bubba says oh yea I knew the Pope when he was still a Cardinal. The rich guys says, OK I'm gonna call you again on this one. We are flying to the Vatican and you are gonna be made the lie yet. Bubba says great I would love to see the Pope haven't seen him in years.
So they arrive at the Vatican the next day. However when they get there, a huge crowd is in the square and Bubba says oh no, the Pope is going to give a speech today there is no way we can get a private meeting with him. The rich guy says, you ain't gonna weasel out of this one. If you know the Pope then you go up there and get yourself past the gate guard and come out on the podium with your arm around the Pope. Bubba thought for a minute and says, yea that's a good idea I can do that.
So Bubba takes off for the back gate. After about 20 mins, the rich guy looks up to the podium and sure enough out comes Bubba with his arm around what looks like the Pope. But then the rich guy thinks that could be just a high ranking Cardinal that Bubba paid off for the charade.
So the rich guy looks around and picks out a random Italian in the crowd and asks him is that the Pope there now on the podium ?
The Italian guy looks at the rich guy and says, Yea he's the one Bubba has his arm around.
Blindrage
Member
In the line of old and true military stories...
I served in the Air Force during the first gulf war. A bunch of us were shipped off the Saudi to help track all the air strikes, and Saddam was throwing scuds at the city all the time. Everyone was concerned about chemical weapon attacks, so we all had nice bags full of chem protection like gas masks, carbon suits, med pens, etc.
I distinctly remember the first time the missile alarm went off that was not a training drill. All the Air Force guys grabbed our bags of chem gear and headed for the basement area we had been trained to shelter in, and all the Saudi Defense personnel grabbed their weapons and headed for the same room... You could almost see the thoughts going through everyone's head about who would actually be putting that chem gear on if the missile actually landed in the area; the American guys carrying the bags, or the Saudi guys carrying the assault weapons?
I served in the Air Force during the first gulf war. A bunch of us were shipped off the Saudi to help track all the air strikes, and Saddam was throwing scuds at the city all the time. Everyone was concerned about chemical weapon attacks, so we all had nice bags full of chem protection like gas masks, carbon suits, med pens, etc.
I distinctly remember the first time the missile alarm went off that was not a training drill. All the Air Force guys grabbed our bags of chem gear and headed for the basement area we had been trained to shelter in, and all the Saudi Defense personnel grabbed their weapons and headed for the same room... You could almost see the thoughts going through everyone's head about who would actually be putting that chem gear on if the missile actually landed in the area; the American guys carrying the bags, or the Saudi guys carrying the assault weapons?
R_W_B
Senior Member
:lolrolling oh that is good. Looking down a gun barrel can change the whole perspective :lolrolling, good one thanks for sharing.
An Amish family takes their first trip to the big city, and end up at the mall. While the women wander off in one direction, the father and his son find themselves standing in front of an elevator, both are wondering what it is. As time passes a very large, old women rides up on a scooter, and pushes the up button. To the amazement of the man and his son, a door opens, the woment drives inside, and the door closes. They watch as the lights above the door go up... 1...2...3. After a few minutes, the lights glow again... 3...2...1 and the door opens up again. Out bounces the most beautiful perky blonde you can imagine. She walks right past the two and disappears into the crowd of shoppers. The father looks at his son in amazement and then says, son... go get your mother...
lorne
Senior Member
lorne
Senior Member
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Newfie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if
there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
The Newfie said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if
there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
The Newfie said, 'Why can't they play at night?'